


Faded Memories || AU

by Castielrotica



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Depression, Human Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Photographer Castiel (Supernatural), References to Depression, Writer Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:35:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24057595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castielrotica/pseuds/Castielrotica
Summary: Dean Winchester is a famous writer who has decided to return to his home town to relive the past for his new book, Faded Memories, a twisted romance novel based on his life. After nine years he finally has the courage to return to the city where his first love story devistated him. The story of him and Castiel, a story he wished he could relive just one more time. But little did he know about Castiel finally coming home from his adventures abroad, though he wouldn't stay long, no longer then a week to see his family. But could one chance bump in with his past lover might change the course of their lives, again.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 20
Kudos: 28





	1. Silent Night

_ You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. _

* * *

* * *

I’ve met many kinds of people in my travels, people stronger than steel and more combustible than lightning storms. People with storms named after their souls, who’ve walked through hell and enjoyed the heat. People who sleep among their demons, who’ve made peace with their darkness. But I’ve also met people who are as soft as water and as warm as a summer's day, whose lips drip honey and whose eye’s bleed starlight. People with ice for bones, who are cold and breakable, yet you show them any warmth and they melt down into puddles. But the most lethal man I ever met was the personification of everything, the perfect combination of good and bad. He was the type of person who you could see on the street and just know that he could ruin your entire life in the best way with just a glance, and something deep within you wanted him to. He was a man with oceans for eyes, and fire for a soul, engraving himself onto every person he ever met. His warmth called out to people, but his fire kept them at bay. But I had dove right into his life, holding the fire tight to my chest, no matter how much it hurt. One touch of his lethal hands and my soul would burn brighter than anyone thought possible. 

* * *

* * *

_ “Come on, let’s go to the beach.” Castiel said, sitting on the windowsill watching the sky. “It’s the perfect night, there’s not a cloud in the sky.” He turned his head to face Dean. _

_ “Hang on, I’m almost done.” Dean spoke motioning for Castiel to turn back around, which he did with a sigh, starring back up at the stars that starred back down at him.  _

_ “I need some fresh air. You do too, come on. You’ve been breathing in paint fumes for the last 4 hours. Let’s take a break.” _

_ “Cas, this project is due in two days, I need to finish it tonight so it’s dry by Wednesday or I’ll fail the class.” _

_ “Come on Dean, just ten minutes on the beach and then we can come back and stay here for the rest of the night.” _

_ Dean looked up at Castiel, who slid off the window sill, sitting down next to him and wrapping his arms around Dean’s shoulders and running his hands up and down the paint coated skin of Deans tired arms. Dean rested his head on Castiel’s shoulder, and Castiel sat his chin on the top of Dean’s head _

_ “Fine, but just ten minutes because I really do need to finish this.” _

_ Castiel smiled not moving for a few seconds before he began to stand up, offering Dean a hand.  _

_ “Well come on then, we should hurry up so we can get back.” Castiel smiled, trailing behind Dean as they bounced down the stairs, ready to get some fresh air for the first time all night.  _

_ “I don’t understand what your obsession with the beach is.” Dean chuckled, pulling on his sandals and a sweater, then opening the door and stepping out into the crisp fall air. The chill of the night running down his spine. “If I didn’t know any better I’d think you loved the beach more than anything or anyone.” _

_ “Maybe I do. I mean it’s the beach! It’s the best place in the world, it’s always quiet and peaceful.” Castiel laughed, shaking his head. “I swear, we can’t be friends if you don’t like the beach, it’s like, a sin or something.” _

_ “It’s literally two in the morning and I’m letting you drag me to the beach, I’m so much more than just a friend. Come on you idiot.” Dean said starting to walk down the worn path they’d walked a thousand times before. They could get there with their eyes closed at this point, they just knew the way by heart.  _

_ “You’re right, definitely deserve more than the friend title. How do you feel about the boyfriend title?” Castiel joked, following Dean closely, unable to see the blush that had come over Dean’s face as he walked silently down the path. _

_ “You’re an idiot” Dean spoke, pushing his way through the brush to reveal a thick strip of sand, surrounded by rocks. He turned to Castiel with a devious smile, motioning him to go ahead and walk down the rocks first. Which Castiel did, very cautiously, eyeing Dean as he brushed past him with a nervous chuckle. _

_ They walked down the smooth rocks silently, just the sound of the waves and their breaths filling the air. But as Castiel's feet touched the sand he was thrown forward when the body weight of Dean slammed into his back. Dean had jumped from the slight elevation of the rocks, wrapping his legs around Castiel’s waist, wrapping his arms around his neck. The sounds of their laughter filled the empty air as they crashed down into the soft sand. They laid there laughing for a few minutes, looking at each other. Castiel was the first to look away, looking up at the sky again, putting an arm behind his head.  _

_ “You know, it’s the perfect night to stargaze.” Cas said quietly, looking up at the endless sky. Dean turned his head to look up too. _

_ “Yea, too bad we only have ten minutes” His voice teased, though they both silently knew they wouldn’t be heading back in ten minutes. They stared up at the sky, watching the millions of stars that they could see shimmer back down on them. “Maybe we can stay a little longer.” _

_ “We have all night.” Cas spoke, raising his arm towards the sky and pointing at a constellation. “You see those stars,”  _

_ The night went on, endlessly. The two of them pointing up at stars and telling stories about them. Some real, others made up on the spot, they laughed and joked through the whole night. Eventually seeing who could tell the best story about the stars.  _

_ The next morning they awoke on the sand, wrapped up in each other's arms, under the soft morning light that bled through the cracked rocks that made Up the cliffs that surrounded the beach. The morning fog still hung around them, flowing over the rooks and down onto the sand.  _

_ “You know, we probably should have gone back after ten minutes.” Castiel spoke, not moving from Dean’s arms. _

_ “Yea, we probably should’ve but I don’t want to.” _

_ “We’re going to have to go home at some point.” Castiel turned over to look at Dean. _

_ “Later” Dean closed his eyes again _

* * *

* * *

I used to be so confused by his obsession with the beach. All the nights we’d spent on the sandy shores, listening to the lulling of the ocean and watching the bright stars, hidden in our own world. Making blurred memories under the silver moonlight. 

If there’s one thing I would change if I could go back in time, I would have just cherished those moments more. But somewhere within the foggy memories there was the day I realized why he loved the beach so much. After hundreds of nights of being dragged down to the sand, it came to me. 

It wasn’t the beach itself, it was the freedom that came with it. The moments spent on the secret shore were private, and no one could steal them away or tarnish them. They were eternal and untouchable moments to anyone besides us. The hundreds of memories that only he and I knew about, the night spent dancing under the stars, swaying on bare feet in the soft sands, watching sunrises and sunsets from the hidden cove. Smiles illuminated by the dim moon’s silver glow. The silhouette’s of his standing there, arms reaching for the stars, eyes seemingly glowing. 

That moment plays on repeat in my head all the time, the day he looked at me under the night sky, with eyes that glowed brighter then all the stars in the sky. The night he looked wild, untameable, free. The night I knew just how much it was going to hurt when he left. The night was like a omen of the future closing in on us. The night I saw it in his eyes for the first time, the look that spoke louder than any words, the look that screamed at me to run, that seemed to hold a fire I’d never seen. But all I’d seen in the moment was how the moonlit ocean seemed to match the color of his eyes, and how every star in the sky couldn’t hold anything to the brightness of his smile. 

It was that night that I understood why he cherished the beach like it was a god. To him the beach wasn’t a place, it was an escape from everything he had learned to be true about the world. A place that wasn’t all winding roads filled with pot holes, and tall buildings that tore through what would have been forests. 

Looking back now, that was what he hated the most about this town, how it had torn through the environment instead of building with it. The small crowded places with no where new to explore, no where to hide from judging eyes and twisted lies. But the beach didn’t have that, it had salt water and fresh air. It was capable of the softest of touches, but also the brutality of nature, able to both give life and take it away in a second. There were endless possibilities on the sandy shores and below the crashing waves, the wandering eyes of pesky people couldn’t find you when you were hidden away. 

We had always been two completely different people, whether or not we chose to recognize that, we lived two very different ideologies. There was me, the one who would never leave, who found peace in the streets filled with people I knew. Then there was him, the one who could never stay, who’s heart beat to roam the earth endlessly. As much as we could try to make our differences work, the truth was that it was these differences that would tear us apart eventually. No matter how many times we could change the story, the ending was always the same, one of us would always end up left behind with a broken heart. 

* * *

* * *

_ “Listen.” Castiel spoke under the cries of birds, his eyes radiating excitement “Can you hear him?” _

_ “Hear what?” Dean whispered back to him, ducking his head down next to Castiel. _

_ “Shh,” Cas put his finger to his lips. _

_ There was a small creak in the floorboards of the old abandoned house. A small cry of a child echoed out, they boys eyes widening as wide smiles spread across the house. _

_ “Cas? Dean?” Sam called into the crumbling building, hearing the soft giggles of his brother and Cas. “Guys! Come on this isn’t fair!” _

_ The two boys snuck around Sam, creeping up behind him. Every step Sam took the took two closer to him, silently getting closer to him. Until in one swift motion they yanked Sam off the ground, his legs swinging widely around, a loud scream pouring from his chest as Dean and Cas ran with him, each holding one of his arms.  _

_ “Shut up Sammy.” Dean laughed when they finally stopped running, setting Sam back onto the ground, where he fell to his knees breathing heavy from the panic running through him. _

_ “I hate you both.” Sam said, clutching his chest. _

* * *

* * *

He was in love with feeling hidden. And you couldn’t get that in the city. All you could get were eyes watching you every move. But the beach? The woods? You were alone, able to get lost away from the judging eyes. The beach was somewhere he could go to get lost in thought, to be away from the world. The sounds of waves crashing into the beach and the soft cry of birds returning from the vast expanse, all lulling your mind to rest. The waves of the ocean running over his skin was his own personal therapy, knowing that no matter how much the world bent him into a box, there was always some way to escape. He built his own reality within the sandy shores, a reality without time, secrets or pain. A reality that consisted of endless skies and salty, fresh air. 

Some part of me knew coming back to this place would be a mistake, writing it was just the best excuse to relive the faded memories of a love story I have yet to forget. One that I haven’t moved on from, so that I can start to move on from a past that I can’t escape any longer. A past that my heart just longs to live one more time. I’m doing this for myself, because my time here is something I never got to properly close, and I think it is time I finally try and lay the memories to rest. 

If there’s one thing about this town that I love the most it’s that it never changes. All the memories are engraved onto the town eternally, moments that will live on long after my time here has ended. Memories engraved so deeply that you would have to tear down buildings and put up new ones just to erase the moments etched into the foundations. 

Things like my first phone number etched into the wall of the third stall in the bathroom at Charlie’s diner. Even under the new coat of paint you can still see the etch mark where my friends had written it in sharpies and scratched the stone with their keys. The words “Text for an adventure - (xxx) xxx-xxxx” forever set in stone. A joke that had led to one of the greatest stories I’ll ever be able to tell, none of my writings could quite compete with the adventure that came with our story. 

Even now our first conversation still lives in my phone, the one thing I made sure I never lost, the beginning of our story, no matter how incomplete it ended. 

* * *

* * *

_ Do you believe in ghosts? _

_ I'm sorry? Who is this? _

_ Answer the question... _

_ I don't know, yes? _

_ Good. I'm Cas. _

_ Ok, Cas. How'd you get my number? _

_ It was written on one of the stalls at Charlie's, and I was bored. So here we are. _

_ So you just text random numbers in your free time then? _

_ No, like I said, I'm bored, and your number was just there earlier, so now we're here. Anyways, want to go on an adventure? _

_ It's like three am and I just met you, no thanks man. _

_ You're boring, anyways, who are you? _

_ Dean _

_ Winchester? _

_ Yea... _

_ How'd you know? _

_ We go to school together, you're kind of an ass _

_ I am not _

_ Oh no, you totally are _

_ I don't know who you're talking to but they really don't like me. I'm an angel. _

_ Yea sure, I'll let you believe that _

_ *Gasp* how rude, I'm going to bed because of that. Good night. _

_ Wait no _

_ come back _

_ I can see you reading my messages _

_ Ok grouchy, goodnight _

**_Read 3:46 am_ **

* * *

* * *

A part of me wonders what would have happened in my life if I’d have never answered those texts that night. Wonders where I’d be if I’d have never let the hurricane that he was into my life. What fate I would have had had I not picked up the phone that night. But as much as I may wonder, I never regretted texting him. It brought so many experiences I would have never gotten into my life, things I couldn’t have imagined in my wildest dreams.

All the endless nights spent under neon lights, swaying on drunken feet, singing off key at the top of our lungs. But also the nights we’d spent swaying to love songs in crowds of people, completely surrounded but feeling alone. All the blurred nights spent driving endless roads, nights spent staring at the stars, losing sleep because of long midnight conversations on what life held for us.

The signs of heart break had always been there, flashing brightly in my mind with their bold warning lights. The sirens that cried of the walking storm that had come into my life, roaring on about the damage he would deal out. The fire in him that was wild and unpredictable, burning through our city, looking for something more. Conversations we’d had where he’d gone on about how much he wished he could get out of this town, how if he ever made it out he wasn’t ever coming back. Being the young kid I was I never noticed the implication of his words, that this escape couldn’t involve me, the boy who could barely leave the city, let alone the continent.

* * *

* * *

_ ”If you could go anywhere in the world, right now. Where would you go?” Castiel asked, propping himself up on his arm to look at Dean, who kept his eyes on the puffy white clouds that floated above them.  _

_ “I don’t know, probably somewhere up north, Maybe Canada. You know cause the weather just seems cooler than this heat.” Dean said, pulling his eyes from the clouds to look at Cas, lips pulled into a soft smile. “Where would you go?” _

_ “Oh where wouldn’t I go? Rome, Paris, London, Berlin, I want to see it all.” Castiel let out a dreamy sigh and a small laugh as he laid back onto the hood, staring back up at the passing clouds, drifting so freely through time. _

_ “Wow, those are all pretty far away,” Dean chuckled. “I think you’d want to come home after just a week. I know I would.” _

_ In the moment there was a flicker of something in Castiel’s eyes. An emotion Dean couldn’t make out, something that caused his stomach to twist into knots with fear. A look of longing, and though Dean wouldn’t remember this day very well, in that moment Dean knew that someday Cas was going to leave, and he wasn’t going to be able to follow. He knew that he wouldn’t be ready to watch Castiel walk out the door. He’d hoped that Cas would be in his life forever, but he didn’t realize just how quickly forever was coming to an end. He didn’t know just how soon he would be losing the one person he wanted to be able to share every waking moment with, how their time was ticking away, just a little too quickly. _

_ “That’s the point. This town. It’s so small and everything here just moves so slow. I want to see the world, explore every inch of it that I can, and I can’t do that if I stay here. This place is just an anchor holding me back from the open ocean of the world.” Castiel didn’t say it, but the real anchor that kept him from leaving was the man laid beside him. “There’s this voice deep down in me that’s crying for me to leave, to get out of this town. And I can’t just ignore it forever.” Castiel’s voice was soft, but his words dropped like bombs. Declaring a future that was yet to come, but yet the words themselves barely lingered in the air, drifting away into reality. _

_ A sad smile pulled at Dean’s lips as he looked at the boy he’d loved so very dearly with pained eyes. His eyes flickered back to the sky, feeling so boxed in in such a vast place. His plans to tell Cas about his feelings crumbled before him. His love for the boy holding him back, he didn’t want to trap Castiel in a world that he hated, so he forced his emotions back into a corner, and locked them away from view. _

_ All that remained of his fragile heart was a hope that he and Cas would have a little more time, just a few more years together before the world came to pull him under. As Dean looked up at the sky he let out a soft sigh, a single tear rolling down his cheek. The omen of the day ringing in his ears, there was a change coming, time was closing in. The fire under Castiel’s feet was beginning to burn bright, a wild part of him was awakening that would drive him forward in life. A piece of him that would drive him and Dean away from one another. Driving their lives further and further apart. _


	2. The Weight of the Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've decided I'm going to try and upload chapters every tuesday, thursday and some sundays. But I do work on tuesadays and thursdays days so I may miss an upload every now and then. Also I'll probably upload this to wattpad once I'm done writing it so yea, that might happen.

We can be blindsided, even if we can see it coming.

* * *

**|Two Days Ago|**

"Good morning sir" The customs officer spoke, reaching her hand at me for her to take my passport and customs questionnaire. "How was your trip?"

"Good" My mind was still tired from the fifteen hour flight.

"How long was your trip?" She asked, her eyes flickering from the paper up to me.

"Nine years." The words rolled off my tongue with ease, but the words themselves struck something deep within me

"Oh? And were you in..." Her eyes flickered back down to the sheet "Italy all those years?"

"No."

"Where else were you?"

"Just about everywhere except antarctica."

"Huh, well welcome home." She said looking shocked and stamping the paper handing back my passport "Go through the door at the end of the hall to retrieve your bags, and if you're on another flight bag check is at the bottom of the stairs."

Taking my things I grabbed my carry on off the ground and started walking, reaching the large window I took a deep breath, my eyes roaming over the busy airport before turning and heading into the baggage claim. My mind racing threw memories of the small town I was heading back to. Memories that had haunted me for the last nine years seemed to echo in my brain, fearful that maybe I would run into him again. Grabbing my bag off the belt I started to walk down the stairs when my eyes caught on a familiar suitcase, the man pulling it along had his back to me but it didn't matter, the fear had already been planted. My hands already shook at the thought that it could be him. The man walked towards the exit of the airport, the same place I was supposed to be heading. Suddenly that fifteen hour flight back didn't sound too bad. Maybe I could come back another year, another season. 

But my family was already here, the three hour drive would be for nothing if I turned back now. Whatever or whoever waited for me in that town was fate, at least that's what I was telling myself. But now with the memories of his face the night I'd told him I was leaving fresh in my mind, I wasn't so sure I wanted to leave it up to fate to decide. But I had people here who had waited for years for me to come see them, and for as many sleepless nights that his tear stained face had haunted me, I couldn't let them down another year.

Pulling out my phone I saw a text from my mom that she was parked in the East parking garage and heading towards baggage claim now. So turning right I started walking down the endless room of conveyor belts. I could see her pushing open the doors and running towards me. Setting down my bags I opened my arms to hug her as she pulled me into the warmest hug I'd had in years. 

"Don't you ever leave like that again, do you hear me." She scolded, pulling away from the hug, smacking my arms. 

"I mean I'm leaving in a week mom." 

"I know, but you didn't even tell us you were leaving. We woke up and you were gone and all we had was a voicemail saying you were going to France." Tears were in her eyes as she pulled me back into a hug "I knew you wanted to leave, but I thought you would at least tell one of us when the day came."

"I know. I should have told you, but I couldn't. You would've tried to stop me." _I had told someone_ , I thought, _but I hated myself for the look in his eyes so I couldn't bear the pain of telling you too._

"When have I ever? I want you to live your dreams Castiel." There was betrayal in her eyes "I just wished we could have planned your adventures together so I would know that you were safe. That's all I ever wanted, you to be safe."

"I was safe. I'm here now." I comforted her, hugging her tight with my chin on her head.

"I know. I know." She hiccuped, tears still running down her face as she pulled away from the hug and wiped her face, grabbing my carry on and starting to walk towards the doors. "Well, everyone is waiting at home so let's get you home."

"I thought you would've come with everyone"

"No. This is my moment with my baby. They tried to come but I told them that when they gave birth to you they could come." She pushed open the door and let me walk through.

The walk to the car wasn't that far, so it wasn't long before we were on the road towards the city that haunted my dreams every night. The radio played softly in the background, a song that was all too familiar, one that brought back the tears. 

* * *

* * *

_The loud music of the band roared through the arena, echoed back by the thousands of people singing the lyrics back. The waves of people dancing, jumping, and crying out lyrics to whatever the band played, whether a cover, old song, new song, or just wild and weird songs. The crowd cried out the lyrics of every song even as their voices became scratchy and hoarse. Yet within the crowd everyone felt at home, blended together swaying, dancing, and crying with the strangers beside them. In the middle of the crowd stood Dean and Cas, swinging their entwined hands as they rocked with the rest of the pit of people. Laughing and smiling, living eternally in the moment. Stealing glances at each other, bumping shoulders as they swayed off beat, giggling and whispering to one another before belting out to their favorite lyrics with all the air in their lungs._

_Tonight they seemed to be two strangers standing to close together in a crowded room, sharing moments neither would be able to forget. Hoping the night would never end. With eyes glimmering under the flashing neon lights, smiles a shining invitation to dance beneath the blistering lights that swept over the crowd. As every song ended the deep breaths they took tangled together, each of them filling tired lungs to belt out just one more song they told themselves. Though each knew it was a lie, and that they would stay until the night was over and the bands had left the stage._

_"Thank you! I want to ask that everyone puts down their phones, and lives in the moment for this next song." The lead singer asked, before pulling his pick across his guitar, strumming a chord that echoed over the crowd, silencing everyone as they recognized the song._

_The the band began to sing and the crowd filled the silence of the arena_

_"When you feel your love's been taken, When you know there's something missing. In the dark, we're barely hangin' on."_

_Dean's eyes moved from the stage to meet Castiel's, who was already looking at him with a soft smile covering his face. Castiel softly singing along, his voice lost in the crowd._

_"Then you rest your head upon my chest, and you feel like there ain't nothing left. I'm afraid that what we had is gone."_

_Tear's filled Dean's eyes as he moved even closer to Cas, setting his head gently on his shoulder and closing his eyes, feeling the moment and how the words vibrated within Castiel's chest, listening to the song filling the air around them. Just the two of them standing there alone in a room filled with people._

_"Then I think of the start, and it echos a spark"_

_The music seemed to fade away as Dean became more and more in tune with the man who stood beside him. His eyes closed, he could picture the future he wished they could have together. The days and nights filled with nothing but care for eachother and the thought that they were the only thing the other needed to feel loved. And as the sound of the song faded back into his daydream Dean knew the moment was almost gone. Yet the lyrics told him the only thing he'd ever ask of Castiel._

_"Still a flicker of hope that you first gave to me, that I want to keep. Please don't leave. Please don't leave."_

_The hum of the guitar's final chord hung in the air for a moment over the silent crowd. Then the moment was over and the crowd began to roar with cheers, pulling Dean and Cas from their paradises and back to the reality in which they stood tonight, together. As the band ran off stage and people began to grab their things and leave in a daze._

_“Thank you, I love you so much for bringing me here. That was seriously one of the best experiences of my life! I still can’t believe this is even happening.” Dean rambled with his strained voice, his eyes glittering with tears as he looked at Cas, who stared at him in Awe._

* * *

* * *

The night I realized I loved Dean Winchester. The boy who I'd texted as a joke when I had felt like I was dying inside, had become the one person I fell for, hard. The fear that I had after that night was a part of the reason I left, the fear that I would get too attached to be able to leave. I knew what he was like, he would never want to leave and I thought somewhere deep down that I would stay if I got too close to him. Of all people, I had to meet the one person who could make me stay, in fact for three years he did just that. Kept the calling for adventures in my soul to go silent. The idea that he was an adventure enough somehow had settled in my bones when we first met. Though he was someone who kept my mind spinning, always unable to read how he was feeling. 

"So, are you excited to be home?" My mom spoke, breaking me out of my thoughts. 

"I don't know, I'm kind of nervous." 

The drive seemed to fly past after that song. For the remainder of the car ride we talked all about the things I had done and seen during the last nine years. After three hours of driving we drove past the old sign saying we were entering town. In nine years nothing had changed, the same restaurants still stood in the same building, the same people walked the streets, the only thing that had changed was now I looked at the town as an outsider. I used to know everyone who roamed the streets, every face was familiar, and now? Now I could only recognize the aged appearances of people who had grown old in my absence. The fear spiked in the back of my mind staring at the strangers before me that I used to know. That was one of the things the rest of the world offered, everything changed in the blink of an eye. But here it was always the same. It hit like a slap in the face, realizing that years ago, it was the change in life that really made me feel at home. 

As the Car stopped in front of the house I felt every ounce of confidence for coming back here I'd built up over the last three hours crumbled away. With everyone standing on the porch staring at the car I felt like a child again, emotions flooded my body. Fear, love, anticipation, excitement. Opening the car door I stepped out into the thick air of the summer, and instantly was met with my entire family trying to hug me all at once. 

"Give him some space would you?" My mom's voice called over the car, though I could hear her laughing. "You're gonna kill him if you hug him any tighter."

I felt a hand grab my shoulder as everyone began to disperse from the hug, turning to look my dad dead in the eye. As strong a man I'd seen him as now seeing him here with tears running down his face I felt something deep down stirring, reminding me again of how I had failed them because of how I'd left. 

"It's good to have you back Cas" He pulled me in for another hug, and something in me broke. Maybe it was being called Cas for the first time in years, maybe it was the fact that they were letting me come home after all the years I thought they hated me, but it didn't matter because the tears still poured down my face as I stood hugging my dad in the middle of the driveway.


	3. Waiting on the Wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a little bit shorter but it's finals week so this week is going to be shorter updates probably

I can hear it in every heartbeat, feel it in every breath, taste it on the tip of my tongue, smell it through every breath, and see it in the shining eyes of the sky that stare back at me every night. The stars are haunting my dreams, calling out from somewhere just out of reach. 

* * *

* * *

**|Same day as Castiel's return|**

The airport seemed more packed than usual for a Sunday morning, though I didn't really mind it. The air was warm against my skin, something I had missed since I'd moved to New York. Even the crowds that swarmed the airport didn't compare to the crowded streets of New York City. But the excitement of being home again was already simmering within me. Even in the couple of months since I'd been home last the weather had changed dramatically from spring rainstorms to blistering heat of summer. I'd missed it here, even the short time I'd been gone felt like a lifetime. Scanning over the airport I just felt calm, lost in the crowd. 

You know the stories that tell of people seeing someone and their heart stops? Well in a fraction of a second that's what happened. My entire heart stalled as I looked up to the international flight terminal exit, where everyone coming here would walk through out of habit. But there he was, Castiel staring down on the crowd of people. Shaking my head I looked away, it couldn't be him. By the time I looked back up a fraction of a second later the figure was gone, and my mind was spinning. He wouldn't come back, I knew that the minute he left, he wasn't going to come home. So it couldn't possibly be him. Even still there was a part of me that was panicking now, and I started to walk faster to the baggage claim, sweeping my bags off the belt and rushing out of the airport and into the sticky air outside of the airport. 

Even if I knew it wasn't him, whoever that was looked so familiar and real. I reached my parents car in record time and practically threw my bags into the car, slamming the door shut behind me. 

"Well you seem excited to get home." My mom jokes turning around in her seat before raising a brow and asking, "What's wrong? You look like you've just seen a ghost."

"I think I just saw Castiel."

"Like, Castiel Novak?" My dad spoke, pulling back out into the traffic to start the long drive

"Yea, I looked up and he was there, but I blinked and he was gone so I think my mind is playing tricks on me." I gave her a forced smile

"It would make sense, today marks nine years since he left." My mom spoke, reaching back to grab my hand, giving it a soft squeeze. "But why would he come back? I think it'll be okay."

"I don't know, he just looked so... real."

"And what are you going to do if he is home?" My dad asked looking at me through the mirror with a raised brow.

"Well, I don't know, maybe hide until he leaves. If he is back I doubt it will be for long, he always hated this place."

"Really? So you'd just put your life on hold just to wait for him to leave?"

"I'd still be home so my life wouldn't really be on hold. More like you'd be stuck with me while I become a hermit and write"

"But isn't the point of you being here to write to be able to walk around and relive the memories? I think if he is home you should talk to him, you know being together might spark some memories you might not remember without talking to him, I mean the past is the past, right?" My dad spoke with confidence like he wasn't talking about the only person I'd ever loved walking out on me. 

"You do realize you're telling me that if the first person I ever loved is back in town I should ask them, hey you want to relive our greatest hits so I can write a love story that's based on our story? Not to mention how much talking to him now would hurt. He told me he was going to explore the world and we went to bed and I woke up alone."

"You never tried contacting him though, maybe he thought you hated him." My dad shook his head in disagreement, switching lanes, only half listening to the conversation

"I called him every night for three months, left a message every night asking to call me back and let me know that he was alive and safe. And you know what he did? Blocked my number."

"When was that? You never mentioned even once trying to call him." My mom said looking at me with concern in her eyes

"Did I have too?"

"Dean listen, Cas- Castiel went silent on everyone. He didn't tell anyone he was leaving, and he didn't even contact his mom for a year. It's not just you he shut out, I know you blame yourself for not seeing something but he was a grown up, nobody could've stopped him." She comforted me.

"We made a promise, a promise that he broke."

"What promise was that Dean?" My dad asked, the annoyance in his voice was strong.

"We both promised that we would always answer when the other called, no matter when or where. And he didn't answer any of the calls. I didn't care if he was coming back, I just wanted to make sure he was okay." The tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at my mom who gave me a soft smile.

"I told you when I first met him-" my dad started

"That he was a flight risk waiting to happen and to not get too close, yea dad I know." The tears were coming now in waves, rolling down my cheeks steadily. 

Even thinking I had seen him was enough to take me back to the months of time after he left where everything I knew had come crumbling down. All the defenses I'd put up crashed down, and I plummeted down with them. Enveloping myself in my characters and living through them, each time tying up every book with a happy ending, the one thing my story never had. It was almost poetic that we'd both go our separate ways to do exactly what we'd said we were going to do years before, I went north and he left.

* * *

* * *

When we finally pulled into our driveway we were all laughing. Stepping out into the warmth of the sun I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, even the air here felt different. Before I knew what was happening I was being hugged too tight to breath.

"How are you jerk?"

I struggled to chuckle with the lack of air in my lungs "Good Sam, how's that degree coming?"

"Eh, I hate it but what's new?" He chuckled pulling back from the hug and patting my shoulders before hugging my mom and dad. I looked down at the street and saw his junky car sat on the curb and let out a small laugh "Hey! Don't laugh at my baby"

"You really need a new car" I laughed grabbing my bags out of the car and starting to walk towards the door

"I do not." Sam said, walking ahead of me and opening the door. 

"Dude, and I say this with full offence, that car is 90% rust and 10% gas." Stepping into the house I walked into my old bedroom setting down my bags I collapsed onto the bed, curling into my blankets, closing my eyes. I needed a nap. 

* * *

* * *

When I woke it was dark out, the low hum of voices came from the living room. Stretching out my tired limbs I sat up, wrapping the blanket my mom had most likely covered me with over my shoulders and walking down the hall towards the voices. 

"Look who finally woke up"

"Shut up Sam"

"How was your nap? You're not gonna sleep tonight for sure." My mom laughed, her smile warm even through the chilly night. 

"Yea." I looked out the window and into the darkness, my mind instantly spinning something to do "I think I'm going to go for a walk"

"Oh? You want some company?" Sam said starting to get up

"No, I'm going to go alone this time, maybe we can go for a walk tomorrow." Walking back towards my room I grabbed my sandals and walked out the back door, my feet carrying me down the familiar path that had now been overgrown with plants after years of being unused. 

I could smell the ocean long before I saw it, the fresh air washing over my skin as I stood at the top of the rockface, looking down on the dimly lit sand illuminated by the moon. A soft smile covered my face as I started to walk down onto the sand, taking off my sandals and picking them up, wiggling my toes in the sand. The nostalgia of this beach washed over me as I looked out at the silver ocean that danced below the moonlight. Taking a deep breath I walked towards the water. As the cool water washed in it sent goosebumps up my legs at the sudden coldness of the water. I could hear the breeze whistling through the rocks as I tilted my head back and looked up at the stars. 

The sound of a branch snapping brought me crashing back into reality as I looked back at the rocks that separated the woods from the shore. There stood a dark figure looking back at me. But for some reason I didn't feel scared. Raising a single arm into the air I waved at the figure. Who began to walk down the rocks and towards me, and once they were close enough to see my face we both froze. 


	4. Standing in Holy Places

Run away

It was a powerful instinct.

* * *

* * *

**|Nine Years Ago|**

_The engine of the Impala roared down the empty streets, Castiel and Dean both singing loudly along to the radio. The wind spilled in through the open windows as the car glided up the mountain side. The drive had been long but the view would be worth it. Castiel had needed to take a few nature shots for his portfolio, and Dean had recommended the cliff top that they'd visit when they needed to escape the city. It overlooked a valley filled with old trees and abandoned barns, the buildings reclaimed by nature after years of decay. It was the perfect place to take pictures, and nobody ever roamed the area so the only trails that were drawn across the land were that of animals._

_As Dean parked at the top of the mountain Cas reached back into the back seat and pulled out his Camera, making small adjustments to the settings before looking at Dean with a smile._

_"Ready?"_

_"Always." They smiled at each other and stepped out of the car, locking their doors before shutting them and starting to walk down into the field. The sun was starting to set, they had around an hour to take pictures._

_Following small trails they wandered around, laughing as they pushed through the tall grass and walked through fields of flowers. Deer and rabbits grazed in the field, moving away if they got too close, but overall the atmosphere was relaxed. Just the two of them alone in the world for once. No one could burst their peaceful little bubble tonight. Finally the sky had turned golden as the sun was finally falling back to meet the horizon. Realizing it was getting late they began to make their way back to the car, Castiel snapping secret pictures of Dean running his hands over the flowers as he passed them and some of him looking at the creatures that they shared the field with._

_"So photography, huh." Dean joked as they walked side by side_

_"Yea, I mean it's just so..." Castiel trailed off gazing out on the golden fog that had rolled in "There's a magic in it"_

_"Mhmm" Dean hummed, waiting for the rant he knew was coming._

_"I mean, you eternalize a moment and the emotions in it. You can feel the emotion the people feel, you can see the rage, pain, rebellion in their eyes. There aren't many things in this world that can do that. Photography just holds this power that you feel, there are pictures you can just feel moving, hear the roaring of crowds, and see the story playing out beyond the camera in your mind. Even without any context you can tell a million stories from just a single moment." Castiel spoke, his eyes staring off into the distance, his mind drifting off to images he'd seen hung on museum walls._

_Pictures of people being so blatantly human and lost in time that they hadn't even realized there were pictures being taken. People leaning over paintings, looking like they themselves were the masterpiece. Pictures of revolutions that he could feel the roars of the crowd. Dean smiled looking at Cas, who bit his lips, lost in thought. Dean looked forward again as they approached the road._

_"I prefer movies." Dean poked fun at Cas, stepping up onto the road. Looking back at Cas, who came back to reality looking at Dean._

_"I know, you made me go with you to that horror marathon, which by the way I'm still mad at you for." Stepping onto the concrete, Cas turned back towards the field, Pulling up his camera and snapping pictures of the field as it was engulfed in a golden haze. Turning and taking pictures of the sun as it sunk down towards the horizon._

_"Well, I mean they were all old horror movies, how was I supposed to know you'd be terrified of shitty CGI?" Dean said sitting down on the hood of his car and laying back looking up at the sky._

_Castiel looked at him with an annoyed look before starting to walk towards Dean, extending his hand. Dean sat up and dug the keys out of his pocket._

_"Well, I prefer both looking and taking pictures." Castiel stated, walking towards the door of the car before turning his head back towards Dean, the moment was too perfect. Raising the camera towards his eye he snapped a few pictures of Dean sitting on the hood looking down on the field with the sun setting behind him creating a halo around his head. His hair being tossed gently by the breeze. At the edges of the viewfinder he could see the sky turning navy blue as the darkness slowly began to envelope them._

_"You know," Dean said, turning his head towards Castiel who still had the camera pressed to his eye taking pictures as the halo of light moved to frame Dean's face from behind him, of course Dean would end up looking like an angel on a night like tonight. "it's rude to take someone's picture without their permission" Dean stretched his arm out trying to block his face from the lens._

_"To bad, you signed up for this. And besides I want to remember these moments forever." Cas said, pulling his eye away from the Camera, lowering the Camera to look at Dean, sticking his tongue out at him before turning to unlock the car door and slide the camera into the seat._

_"You and your moments." Dean spoke, watching Cas with adoration in his eyes._

_"Well that's all life really is. A series of moments strung together in such a way that they could never be replicated." Cas said straightening back up and walking towards Dean, sliding onto the hood to sit next to Dean. "You know there's supposed to be a meteor shower tonight?" He said glancing up at the sky before looking back at Dean._

_"Really?" Dean spoke with excitement in his voice shining through "Maybe we'll see a shooting star!" He looked up to the clouds that dotted the sky and watched as the stars began to peak through the darkness as the sun finally fell below the horizon. During all of their adventures never had they seen shooting stars. Leaning back they both laid back on the windshield, side by side. Dean's eyes glued to the sky and Castiels glued to Dean's face._

_"Yea, maybe." Castiel said as he finally dragged his eyes from Dean to look at the stars, and before either could blink a single meteor tore through the sky, leaving a blazing stream of light across the sky._

_"Woah." Dean said, his face dropping in awe of it. For an hour they sat, watching the sky as dozens of meteors fell towards the earth. At some point their hands had become entwined beside them. It was Castiel that broke the moment._

_"We should get going." He turned his head back towards Dean who turned to look at him with furrowed brows_

_"Why? Do you have somewhere to go tomorrow?"_

_"Yea, you could say that." Castiel said, a sad smile forming._

_"Well where are you going?" Dean asked_

_"I have a plane to catch."_

_"A plane?" Dean swallowed hard, his voice had become soft and his hand that was entwined tightened and shook._

_"I'm flying to London. But I want you to come with me."_

_"No." Dean spoke his voice cracking as he sat up, pulling their hands apart._

_"No?"_

_"No, Castiel. This is my home, I can't- I won't leave, not like that." Dean said moving further from Castiel_

_"Dean," Castiel reached out for Dean who flinched back, eyes wide and shining with betrayal "We can always come back, but just for once let's get lost somewhere new."_

_"I can't"_

_"Dean, why are you so scared of the world?" Cas asked tilting his head in confusion_

_"I'm not scared of the world." Dean spoke tears slowly starting to fall down his face "I just- I can't- no I won't leave my family"_

_"Dean, no one is asking you to leave for good. It's only a few weeks and we can come home."_

_"No."_

_Castiel looked at Dean, the man staring at him now like he was a stranger. There was fear in his eyes, Castiel could see it._

_"Okay, let's go. I'm going to drive though."_

_Dean just nodded and slid the rest of the way off the hood, walking around the car and getting into the passenger seat before Castiel could even get off the hood. As Castiel slid into the driver's seat he heard Dean's soft voice._

_"What'd you wish for" It was a mere whisper, so soft Castiel almost missed it._

_"That tomorrow would never come." Castiel said, starting the engine and pulling out onto the road._

_"You know you could just stay." Dean spoke, again so soft that it was almost lost beneath the sound of the motor and soft music._

_"I can't stay."_

_"Okay." And those would be the last words Dean said to Castiel that night that Dean would know of._

_By the time they got to Dean's house it was three am. Dean was asleep in the passenger seat when Castiel cut the engine and just looked at him for a moment. He'd wished tonight would go differently. With everything in him he wished it would have gone different and that tomorrow they would be leaving together. And for the first time that night he cried silently, tears streaming down his face. He cried for what felt like hours but in reality was only half an hour before he decided he should get going. So composing himself he opened the door and walked around to Dean's side of the car, gently pulling open the door he lifted Dean out of the car and carried him into the house and set him down on his bed. Sliding his arms out from under Dean as he set him on the bed Dean gently grabbed his arm, still asleep._

_"Stay"_

_"I can't"_

_Castiel slid out of the house, leaving Dean's keys on his nightstand. That night Castiel walked home crying. The minute he got home he went straight to his room, starting to print a few of the photos he'd take that night and organizing everything to be ready to leave in the morning. Setting his passport and tickets on top of his suitcase beside the door. Right before he laid down he walked to the small polaroid printer he'd bought and picked up the last picture of Dean he'd taken, the halo of light looked even more angelic now. Sliding it into the front of his wallet he laid down, set his alarm and fell into a restless sleep for 2 hours._

_When his alarm went off he slid out of bed, pulling on one of Dean's old hoodies he'd left at Castiel's house. He was tired but also ready to start his adventure. Ready to be as far as he could from the boy who's heart he'd just broken. Dragging his suitcase out of the house silently he slipped out the front door with a single glance back into the dark house, and with a soft smile he shut the door and walked to the taxi, sliding into the back seat with his luggage effortlessly. Instructing the driver on where he was going he sat back and watched passing street lights as they drove away from the only place Castiel had ever known._

_The sunrise brought with it a new beginning. The tires of Castiel's plane were leaving the runway as Dean woke up alone in his bed with the early mornings sunlight pouring into his room. Both started their first day of this new reality alone, Dean in a cold bed and Castiel with the empty seat beside him that was supposed to be for Dean. And both were left with the thought of what could have been._

_Every bone in their bodies ached to be near one another, but now it felt that they would never be close again. Dean reached for his phone and tried to call Castiel, only for it to go straight to voicemail._

_"Castiel, I'm so sorry. When you get this, call me. Please." His voice was thick with both sleep and emotion._

_That message was the only message Castiel ever listened too, and after that message every message from Dean would never be heard. Castiel would delete them as soon as they came through. He couldn't listen to them, not now, not ever. He knew if he listened he would go back, hearing the pain in Dean's voice even just that once had made him want to get back on the plane. He decided he couldn't go home, he couldn't see Dean after that. The soft plea for him to stay haunted Castiel every night right as he fell asleep he'd hear it echo in his memory._

_For months Dean waited for Castiel to come home. He'd said they'd be home, but every day he was let down. For months Dean put everything on hold to wait for Castiel to return. But he never did._

* * *

* * *

Every bone in my body was frozen as I stared into ocean eyes I hadn't seen in years. I had waited years for this moment but now that it was here, I didn't know what to do. He looked older, tired, but he still looked like the man I knew all those years ago. But he was now a stranger, the one person who I used to know everything about was now someone I didn't know at all. And he was here. 

"Hey..." He spoke, his voice was deeper than I remembered, more gravely with even a slight accent to it. 

"Hi" My mind was still spinning at the fact that he was here. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were here, I'm just going to go." His voice was sparking something in me that I thought had died a long time ago, Hope. 

"No, no, no. I was just about to head back." I started walking out of the waves, the sand sticking to my feet. 

"Oh, ok." He said turning his eyes away from me, swallowing hard I walked past him.

Walking up the rocks I forced myself to not look back at him, though I could feel his eyes following me. When I reached the top I looked back out over the beach, looking down at him staring up at me and taking a deep breath before walking into the woods. My heart was beating wildly the entire walk back. When I got home the house was dark, everyone had gone to bed. Walking into my bathroom I rinsed my legs before crawling into my bed and laying there for the rest of the night staring up at the ceiling wondering how fate was going to screw me over next. 


	5. Escaping reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will probably be rewriting the first few chapters pretty soon but I'm not sure yet, because I'm not sure how I feel about them, but if I do edit them I'll let you know in the chapter notes of upcoming chapters. Thanks for dealing with me as I get comfortable writing again. 
> 
> Also after the ending of this book, I will have a couple extra chapters that are going to be the book Dean is writing, at least that's the plan for now

There's a part of you that doesn't want to be strong.

* * *

* * *

**|Castiels POV|**

I stared at the trees that he'd disappeared into, willing him to come back silently. My body felt as though it had been lit on fire, the things I'd been running from had come crashing back into my life and it was my fault. It had been my racing mind that had pulled me out to the beach I thought he'd have forgotten about. I'd figured the one place in the world I wouldn't find him was the beach I'd dragged him to on many sleepless nights, I'd always seen this as more of my place then his. So I'd figured when I left he wouldn't return here out of sheer hatred for me, but he was here. 

In all the years I'd known him he'd hated the beach, hated the sand, the water, the fish, the beach was something he'd never go to alone back in the day. Maybe we'd both changed, but was it for the better? Looking back at the tree's, my mind raced at the possibilities of what could have been. All the moments we could have shared had I not left or he'd have come with me, and suddenly I found my self wishing I'd stayed just a little bit more. 

Looking back out over the ocean I took a deep breath before walking up the rocks and towards my house again. Reaching the main road I looked down the street and could see Dean's house, where I'd spent most of my final days here. I wondered if he still had the pitures of us hung up at all the concerts we'd gone to and all the places we'd been.

"Castiel?" My head snapped around to look at the person who'd called my name to see Sam

"Sam?"

"When did you get back?" He asked, a hint of anger leaking into his voice.

"Yesterday."

"And you know Dean's here?" He asked, raising a brow "If you hurt him again, I swear Castiel, you better hope I don't see you ever again."

"I'm not here for him Sam. I haven't seen my family in nine years, mind your business."

"Oh so now you decide to see them? What about 2 years ago when we were all grieving the loss of YOUR grandmother? Where were you then?" He asked 

"They never told me about that." And that was the truth up until this moment I thought she'd been at her house across town and just hadn't been able to make it. 

"You would've known if you were here." He sneered, taking another step towards me. 

"Sam." Both our heads snapped towards where the voice had come from, Dean stood there glaring at us from the driveway of their house. "Leave him alone." 

Turning to face each other again Sam glared at me and roughly slammed his shoulder into mine as he started back up into his jog, disappearing around the corner. I turned to look back at Dean who now had his back to me as he got into his Car, the same Car he'd had all those years ago. I wondered suddenly if he had never moved away or if he still lived here, but I would never ask him those questions. Resuming my walk I was lost in my train of thought when the purring engine of the impala pulled up beside me, looking down into the car stopped next to me I rose a brow at Dean.

"It's cold, get in the damn car." His words made me smile as I reached down and opened the passenger door, sliding into the seat. "Where are you headed?"

"Home."

He pulled off the curb, guiding the car down the overused roads. Five minutes later we were parked in front of my house. The drive seemed familiar for my liking, as if it hadn't been years since he'd driven it. And suddenly I wondered if it hadn't been years since he'd driven past my house. But without letting myself think about it too much more, I opened the car door. Getting out of the seat I looked back at him for a half a second.

"Thanks" His eyes moved from the steering wheel to me, his eyes narrowed just a bit, and I just knew he was going to try and tell me something but couldn't quite find the right words. "What is it Dean?" I ask, shutting the door and leaning on the still open window's frame. Looking at him quizzically as he bit his lip.

"I'm writing a book." Now this had piqued my interest, he always had said he wanted to be a writer, but he also had always been too scared to actually start writing anything.

"Ok, and?" I asked, motioning him to explain

"It's about this town. That's why I'm back." My face must have shown my confusion because he quickly added "I just wanted to let you know because I'll probably see you around at places I wouldn't normally go."

"Is this book about the town or us?" The words flew out of mouth before I could even think about what I was saying, but when his eyes widened and his jaw dropped I knew I'd hit the nail on the head. "Well, if you need help thinking of anything you have my number."

"No. I'll be fine." And he put the car in drive and tore off down the road , driving well over the speed limit.

My mind wandered to a place I'd never let it go before, What had he been doing since I left. Pulling out my phone I opened google, typing in his name. Instantaneously thousands of articles came rolling in. New books, interviews, book signings, and drama's all surrounding him. But two in particular caught my eye. Opening the first one I read as I walked into my room. 

**Dean Winchester's writing a new book, a novel that could be based on his childhood.**

**We all know about Dean's works in the thriller and adventure books.**

**His last book titled "From Embers and Ash" was released in the fall of last year and instantly soared in rating, making it one of the bestselling books in the last 8 years. Though in a recent interview about his works he stated he'd be heading home for a few months to write this book. Could this book be written about his past rather than his usual works? Are we finally going to get a glimpse into this elusive writer's hidden past?**

**In the same interview he was asked if he had a title for this new book, to which he gave the interviewer the title, Faded Memories. This has made a lot of his fans believe we could be getting the first romance novel out of one of the best writers of this decade, it is also speculated it could be his own ventures with love.**

**As we all know what happened the last time he went back home.**

Clicking off the rest of the article my eyes swept down to the second article I'd seen, dread ran through me. Maybe I didn't want to read this article, but it couldn't be that bad. I mean he was always so careful about the people he surrounded himself with, right? What could have been so bad. Clicking on the article my eyes ran over the text. It was so, so much worse.

* * *

* * *

| **DEANS** **POV** |

_What the hell was I doing?_

I just practically told him I was writing a book about us. I was officially an idiot. 

I needed to take a drive, so I floored it. I was so glad I'd left my car here a few months ago, because now I could just turn tail and drive. For hours I drove, winding down old back roads I'd driven a million and one times. Eventually I ended up on a familiar mountain top. Over looking the same foggy field I'd had my first heartbreak at, it was the same scene. The sun setting on a peaceful field, and sitting here now, cross legged on the hood of my car with a laptop on my lap, the memories felt so fresh. And so I wrote, wrote down everything I was feeling, every lost emotion, every forgotten tear, all of the pent up pain came pouring out onto the pages.

I'd sat there for hours, the embrace of darkness had long engulfed the field, hugging everything in the moonlight. When I looked up there was nothing but silence around me. I just felt so at peace in the moment, so at home, even alone I felt complete here. I finally felt okay for once. Closing my laptop I slid off the hood, and walked around to my door, taking one last deep breath of the fresh air, glancing at a place I'd once hated so much with gratefulness. I'd grown so much since the last time I'd been here. Driving home felt calm, I was at peace for once. Maybe I'd finally get the closure that had been stolen from me all those years ago, maybe I'd forgive myself for not being willing to take a risk, and most of all maybe I'd be ready to move on once and for all. 

As I pulled into my driveway that night, I could feel a shift, like the weight of being back home wasn't crushing me for once. I walked into my room and laid down, falling asleep for the first time in years, without worrying about what tomorrow would bring.

In the morning I woke up, well rested and happy. Walking with a bounce in my step I walked into the kitchen, my mom looked at me surprised.

"Well aren't you happy for a sunday afternoon." She smiled, pushing a plate of pancakes and bacon towards me "I thought you'd never wake up. I heard you come home last night and figured we ought to leave you alone. Did you get any writing done yesterday?"

"Yeah, I finished the first few chapters." I looked up at her and smiled. 

"Wow." She coughed, looking surprised "That- thats a lot of work. I'd have figured you'd be, well I don't know, more torn up about it I guess."

"I mean, I'm writing this book to finally close out that chapter of my life, I mean I'm 29 years old still broken over something that happened when I was 20. It's time for me to move on. I deserve at least that."

"You do deserve that and so much more, but are you sure? I mean isn't there a better way of moving on then reliving all the dirty details? I mean how you two ended, it wasn't pretty, it wasn't romantic, it was just- horrible."

"I know, but writing even just the first few chapters I feel like some type of weight's being lifted. I just feel good."

"Ok well, if that changes just know you don't have to write the rest, it's okay to put the pen down and just stop."

"I know mom. I know."

_But I didn't know. I really didn't have a clue of what was to come._


	6. Burning hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've started to edit the first few chapters, I'll be uploading a little bit less because I feel like I'm rushing this story I little bit. But I'm going to try and update at least once a week.

The mind remembers the words, but the heart remembers how it feels. The mind can forget, but the heart never will

-JmStorm

* * *

* * *

**|Dean's POV|**

I took a deep breath, staring at the blank page in front of me. There were so many emotions I wanted to put into this, but there weren't words to describe how they felt. I could try and word it out, but that alone would break away at the feeling of being there in the moment. I didn't know how to continue from where I'd left off.

"Here you go." Charlie Bradbury, an old friend of mine who'd taken over her mother's diner a few years back, slid into the booth across from me. "What are you writing now?"

"I'm not even sure anymore." I closed the laptop and looked at her, picking up the hot chocolate she'd put down in front of me.

"Well what is it suppose to be?" She rested her head on her hands looking at me with curiosity.

"It's about me and Castiel."

"Oh... You're writing a love story about your ex, who isn't really your ex." She teased

"That's rude."

"Nope, what's rude is telling me all about how much you love him, and then never growing a set and actually asking him to be your boyfriend." She'd been the one person I'd come out to back then, so she was the only person I could talk to about him.

"Yea well, I can't even argue with that. The chance never came around." I knew that was a lie but I had always feared the rejection and having to lose him as a friend more then anything else. My need to keep him in my life had killed what ever chance we'd had to be anything more. But we'd always been so close that it didn't ever feel like we even had to ask eachother out, it was a silent agreement neither of us ever spoke about.

"You're a liar, and a coward." She rose a brow and tilted her head looking at me unbothered.

"Yeah, you're right about that too. Did you hear he's back in town?" I took a sip of my drink watching her eyes widen and she leaned almost across the table.

"Wait, he's back?! Why am I just hearing about this now? How do you know?" She ran off a list of questions, her voice rushed and eager to hear what I had to say when she finally fell quiet and looked at me patiently, yet the light in her eyes shimmered with interest.

"Yea, I don't know when he got back but I ran into him yesterday at the cove-" 

"You went to the cove?" She cut me off, we'd talked about the cove years ago, but never took her there.

"Yea, why do you sound surprised?" It wasn't out of character to go there, though I never brought it up when she and I would talk.

"Why? Why not? That was like his spot? You just tagged along, I mean you hate the beach." She rambled "I mean I thought after he left you would forget all about that cove. It was more of his place after all, I mean you weren't exactly the starry night kind of person, that was his thing."

"I've gone there every time I come home, I just didn't think it was a big deal."

"Really? I swear if we weren't at my diner I'd slap you right now. That's Big!" She reached across the table and smacked my arm, then sat back and folded her arms across her chest and pouted at me "I'm so mad you didn't tell me that, you jerk."

"Babe, can you come help me" Serenity, Charlie's fiance, said, walking out to our table and grabbing Charlie's arm, smiling at me and dragging Charlie back towards the kitchen with her. 

Opening back up my laptop I stared at the empty page again, why couldn't I think of the words to say? I started at the screen, hands on the keyboard until I heard the seat across from me creak as someone slid into the seat. Looking over my screen I got the surprise when two blue eyes stared back at me. 

"Well hello there." He spoke with a smirk on his face. 

"Can I help you?" I rose my brow as I stared back at him

"Well, I was wondering if I could sit here" His voice was playful, and I could feel myself melting inside at how much I'd missed this.

"Well I mean you're already sitting."

"I mean I can always just go." He pointed over his shoulder at the door

"Shut up" Looking back at my computer I took another sip of my drink, staring at the blank screen.

"So, how long are you in town for?" Sighing I looked up at him.

"Nine years and you still interrupt everything I'm working on."

"I will always interrupt your work, it's in the handbook"

"Mhmm, sure." I gave a nod and glanced up at him, gently running my hands over the keyboard but not typing anything "I'm here until I finish writing, which currently could be forever. How long are you here for?"

"A couple days." The mischievous look in his eyes was gone as he spoke

"Castiel." Charlie deadpanned, walking up to the table, her little notebook open. She glared at him, standing next to my seat.

"Be nice." The words left my mouth before I could realize what I was saying, and as soon as they did I received a deadly glare from Charlie. "You know what? You do you Char. Can't help you here Cas."

"Thanks" He spoke looking at her.

"Why are you here?"

"I'm home for a few days, figured I'd come back to the best diner in town."

"And you just had to sit next to one of the people you hurt the most when you left too? Huh, that's funny." She spoke, deadpanning.

"I figured that he's writing a story about us, I could help." The smile was gone off his face

"He doesn't need your help Castiel." 

"Did he tell you that?" Suddenly both of their eyes were on me.

"You know what. I'm not in the mood to hear you two fight. I'm going to go, and you two can do whatever this is with me." Grabbing out my wallet I put a ten on the table, picked up my laptop and walked out. I was not about to start with either of them. I just wanted to write so I could go home and pretend this never happened. I walked for a few minutes without any real destination, but eventually I ended up on the doorstep of my old apartment. I still owned it for when I came home, but I normally ended up at my parents house just because this place haunted me. All the memories that were enclosed within these walls, there was just so much that had happened here that I was always too scared to enter and taint the memories. Sliding the key out of my pocket I twisted the lock, and the door swung open.

* * *

* * *

_"You should totally paint them neon green." Cas laughed looking at me holding up a bright green card. "They'd match your eyes." He smiled, his eyes crinkling up as he giggled at his own joke._

_"Come on man! Be serious for like two minutes." I laughed, shoving his shoulder._

_"Fine" He walked down the row of colors, skimming his hands over a couple. "Here, this one."_ _He held up a dark grey card. "Then we can put in some wood details."_

_"That's actually not a bad idea." I spoke, walking towards him and taking the card from his hands._

_"I mean, I am an artist" He spoke, dramatically lifting his hand to set it on my shoulder and looking at me with a grin._

_"You can believe that." Brushing his hand off my shoulder I walked towards the counter to get the paint._

_Once it was made, we both carried the cans to the car, driving back to the small apartment. As we walked into the house we started to make a plan on how we were going to approach this job._

_Eventually we were rolling paint onto the walls, singing along to Heat of the Moment. Spilling paint as we danced and laughed along, walking around with all the lights blazing to light up what the moonlight wouldn't illuminate. It took hours longer than it should have, but the extra time was worth it when we crashed down onto the old twin bed in the middle of the room, laughing at the uneven paint job we'd have to fix tomorrow._

_"We should get some fake plants, since you'd obviously kill real ones." Cas jokes, looking at me with shining eyes, his laugh filled the silent apartment._

_"What is it with you and green today?" I laughed gently, staring at him in awe._

_"I've been inspired," He motioned his tired arms above us in the darkness. "by your eyes."_

* * *

* * *

The grey walls stared back at me as the door swung open. The entire apartment was coated in a thin layer of dust, the once vibrant green of the plastic plants on the windowsill was faded. Tears pooled in my eyes as I looked at the quiet room, untouched for eight years. It was a time capsule back to the sleepless nights we'd spent doing schoolwork and holding gamenights for all of our friends. I could already feel the words forming as I walked to the old couch, sitting down on it and opening my laptop on my laptop I finally started to write. A smile on my face as the words flowed onto the paper effortlessly. Stories and moments I'd forgotten over time rolling out onto the pages, taking me back to a time before I knew what losing him felt like. And I lived in the memories, knowing even as they broke my heart, they were healing it just as much.


	7. Atlas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this looks weird its because my computer broke so I’m writing this on my phone, also sorry for the short update but the edited first chapter is up :)

“We would be together and have our books and at night be warm in bed together with the windows open and the stars bright.”

-Ernest Hemingway

* * *

* * *

_The night was quiet, there was a soft wind that rolled through the curtains of the small apartment. The largest window opened with the silhouette of Castiel stood, leaning on the sill looking up at the stars. Something about the night just hung in the air, maybe it was the excitement and adrenaline in their blood, Maybe it was because they had kissed. But the night hung like a portrait in Deans mind, molded with delicate hands by the both of them._

_The soft sound of the traffic below them seemed to linger in the silent air, their breaths the only other noise. The night wasn’t memorable in the long run, in fact it was gone and forgotten by the morning. When the adrenaline had faded and they had slept off the nights embrace, the night itself was foggy and forgotten to time._

_Though the memory of Castiel stood leaning on the window was engraved in Dean’s mind, his grace of just being so blatantly human on full display. He looked like a portrait staring at the endless sky._

_And Dean couldn’t help but to think,_

_If this is all I ever get in life, it’s going to be a good life._

* * *

* * *

|Castiel’s POV|

“Castiel, why are you really here?” Charlie stated, sliding into the booth across from me where Dean had just been sat.

”I told you, I’m home for a few days and decided to stop in.”

”I know you’re lying, you know we use to be best friends.” Her words cut deeper than they should have, deeper then I’d expected them to.

”Charlie, you know why.” The words came out strained, and I could feel the tears starting to burn my eyes.

”No frankly I don’t anymore.” She bit back, she’d always had a sharp tongue and was never afraid to tell someone off, so I wasn’t to surprised by the sharpness of her words “Why don’t you remind me” There was a deep frown on her face as she glared at me.

”I still love him.” The words were almost silent, a mere whisper of what’d I’d told her years ago when I’d practically shouted out the entire confession to her that I was in love with my best friend.

”If you really did care for him you wouldn’t have left.”

”Char-“

“No Castiel,” Hearing her call me Castiel hurt “We all knew the first chance you got you were gone. But he hoped and prayed for years that you would come back, he didn’t go with you because deep down he knew you weren’t coming home, we all knew the moment we saw you were gone we probably wouldn’t ever see you again. Don’t for a second tell me that because you asked him to leave with you for a few weeks you didn’t want to leave him. You were never coming home, he knew that. You knew that.” She said pointing a finger at me across the table 

“Charlie, I was going to come back.”

”No you weren’t Castiel. You can say you would all you want, but that ‘voice’ or whatever you called it, that you follow like it’s some type of religion, it would’ve told you to do exactly what you’ve done for the last nine years and not come home. Dean would’ve been alone at the end of it all, again. So don’t sit here and tell me I’m wrong when we all know the type of person you are, the person who is too scared to stay.” Charlie slid out of the booth and walked away into the kitchen of the diner.

The tears were blurring my vision now, the one person I had trusted so endlessly had no trust in me even back when we were friends. But maybe she was right, maybe I was too scared to stay, but I would have come home. Because that’s what Dean would’ve wanted, I would have followed him like he’d followed me. 

Standing up I walked out of the diner, I couldn’t stay in for another minute, I was scared of staying because I was scared of judgement. I walked for hours, visiting old shops and talking with old friends. But eventually I started walking towards the beach, walking down the old cracked and uneven sidewalks. The sky was beginning to erupt with colors as the sun set on what was suppose to be my second to last day here, maybe I would push back my flight, there were so many people to visit and talk to that I hadn’t had the chance to yet, but deep down I knew I wanted to stay because it gave me more time to bump into Dean. 

Eventually I was walking down the street of his old apartment, I could see the light was on, could see his silhouette sat on the window sill, laptop on his lap, so engrossed in whatever he was doing on it. He looked like an old painting, the light gently illuminating half of his face. He looked flawless and untouchable, his features plastered with knowledge and a twist of pain. I had to force myself to look away from him, pushing my eyes down to the cracked concrete. Walking quicker down the street and passed him, and for a second my mind drifted to the fact that maybe I was only ever meant to run away, it seemed to be all I was good at in life. 

Eventually I ended back up on the sand shores of the beach, all alone with the sun setting in the background. Strolling down an empty beach alone debating on whether or not I should leave home again. I didn’t have to be anywhere for another month, I had time. But did I have the heart to stay here when everything was telling me to run away as fast as I could. Did I even really want to stay? Or did I just want Dean?

* * *

* * *

|Deans POV|

I sat on the window sill that Castiel had practically begged me to put in when I’d first gotten the apartment, staring down at the finished chapters. Looking out the window all I saw was empty streets. Maybe I would get to leave a lot sooner then I’d expected, maybe a few weeks from now I’d be back in New York and able to forget that this trip ever happened. Maybe I would be able to forget he ever happened.

This whole trip had just been one bad idea on top of another. I had always thought I’d wanted to see him again, but definitely not like this, this was just too much. Having to remember, having to relive everything? That was hard, but having him here while I tried to remember all the years we’d spent together? That was even harder. Because I still wanted him back in my life, but I just couldn’t let him back because it hurt, as much as I was burying the pain, seeing his face was killing me. 

I felt like I was holding up my world with broken bones, I could feel myself slowly beginning to crumble under the weight of everything going on. But I was going to put on a brave face and live the way I wanted too, I couldn’t put my life on hold again because of him. I just couldn’t. 


	8. Behind the Lens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update I feel like trash and lost my flow idk how long until the next update. I'm sorry this is so short but I need to get back into the swing of writing.

I was in the middle before I knew I'd begun 

-Jane Austen

* * *

* * *

|DEAN'S POV|

I woke up alone in an empty apartment, my back sore and my eyes heavy. The night had not been easy on me, as much as the story came pouring out onto the page, it took with it little pieces of my soul, chipping away at my happiness. The room was cold and too bright, the curtains still open from me falling asleep on the sill the night before. The sun light poured into the room in blinding streams of light. Yet still even the suns gentle warmth couldn't warm the sharp icy feeling of the room, the bitterness of my heart at how I wished the story I was writing would come to life but knowing it never would. Because I couldn't go back and change my answer, I could only write about what I wish I would've done back then. 

Getting up off the seat I stretched my arms up, my back cracking from the strain that sleeping on the hard window ledge had put on it. Folding my computer back into its bag I began to make my way out of the apartment, standing in the door frame for a moment just looking at the apartment he and I had both shared on most nights, and now it was just empty of all the love we'd poured into it. There wasn't the warmth and glow it had back when I'd wake up to the smell of burning pancakes and fresh bacon. The amount of times I'd awoken to the fire alarm blaring and Castiel rushing around the kitchen in a panic was uncountable, the memories warmed me just a little. 

There was something about this place that had always been magical, something that made it a home. And here I was closing the door on what use to be my home, but was now just filled with faded memories and forgotten time. Closing the door I leaned back onto it letting out a deep breath, why did remembering have to be so hard? Why had I chosen this book to write, and why now? It just seemed like the universe wanted me to go through it all over again. Getting up I walked away from the most gentle home I'd ever lived in. The home that I once thought would never lose it's warmth, and yet here it was, cold as ice. 

I walked back to Charlie's diner and opened to door, getting smacked in the face with a wave of warm air and the sound of laughter. A soft smile came across my face as I walked to the counter, brow raised looking at Charlie who watched me with accusing eyes and a stern face. 

"Where were you last night?" She spoke the moment I reached the counter

"I slept at my old apartment why?"

"Your mom called me asking where you were, saying you never came home after you left here in the morning. We were all worried."

"Why? I'm 29 years old, I can take care of myself."

"Because we care Dean, We worry because we care. I even called Castiel family to see if they'd seen you, and you know who knew where you were some how?" She put her hands on her hips and sent me a chilling glare. 

"Who?" I was genuinely curious because I hadn't told anyone where I was going, simply because I hadn't even known where I was going. 

"Castiel." Her words shocked me, how had he known where I was? "Said he passed the apartment on his way down to the beach and saw you on the sill. What were you thinking? You should've told someone where you were going. You left on foot, you didn't have a car and no one even knew you still had the keys to that old apartment, so next time you do something like that, tell someone or so help me god."

"Why are you always so worried about me Char?"

"Because you're my friend Dean. You worry when people you care about go radio silent and no one knows where they are. What are you here for anyway? Your coffee?"

"Yea, please."

"Fair warning, I'm poisoning it." She smiled and turned away making the coffee

"Ha, yeah. Please put the poison that makes my back hurt less." I moved towards an empty stool at the counter

"You really slept on that Window seat huh? You're not 19 anymore and can sleep anywhere without waking up with sore muscles." She gave a sly smile and slid the coffee across the counter and into my hands, leaning onto the counter. "So, how's the book coming along you grandpa."

"Well now I'm not going to tell you." I lifted the coffee mug to my face, drinking the warm liquid while watching Charlie who stuck her tongue out at me and pushed herself back up off the counter.

"Fine, be that way, but no more dirty bean juice for you." She turned and walked down the small space behind the counter.

"Oh come on, don't be that way. This old man needs his coffee." I pouted and showed my half drank coffee.

"Huh that must suck for you." And with that she dipped between the doors and back into the kitchen and I sat shaking my head and drinking my coffee.

Rushing back out of the kitchen Charlie looked at me and rushed towards me.

"Oh good you're done, leave." Rushing around the counter she shoved me up off the stool and out of the doors, panic in her tone and even just the way she was acting. 

"What's wrong Charlie?"

"You can't be here right now."

"Why? What's going on?"

"I can't tell you, you just have to go. Right now."

"Ok, ok slow down, I'm going. But you better tell me what's going on later."

"Yeah yeah just go." Her head was swiveling about, searching for someone or something. But her eyes never seemed to find whatever they were looking for. Until we both saw it, the black car roll up, windows tinted as dark as could be. I swallowed hard knowing who it was already.

"I- I'll talk to you later yeah?" Turning I felt her hand on my arm loosen and I began to run, not looking back. Why now? Why was every person from my past coming back all at once?


	9. Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry

Sorry guys I have lost all motivation to finish writing this fic, I had a lot of plans for where I wanted it to go but I just can't seem to find any energy to write it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so I'm new to writing on here so if anything looks weird I'm blaming that. If you want to talk about the story anytime, my twitter is @Castielrotica feel free to send me your opinions or suggestions on there


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